ellebee

baby wish quilt (part one)

i'm trying to keep confident that i have not bitten off more than i can chew in attempting to make my soon-to-be-born daughter a quilt. i think a large part of my apprehension comes from the very large and impressive example that my mom set for me and that i feel, in part, that i should live up to even though i know even with the experience she had in quilting, i may never quite reach. she made her incredible works of art look so easy, and she did them for the pure enjoyment of making and giving them away, usually.

so, though much more simple than what my mom could have whipped up in her spare time, i am attempting a quilt. and i really think i can do it! the part that might not quite happen is having it done before the baby comes, although it is high on my get-done-before-she-comes list.

the quilt started with an idea... having ladies at my baby shower write a one-word prayer or blessing that would be then embroidered and pieced into a quilt, wrapping the baby in prayers.of course, being a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl, with no regard for silly things like patterns or measurements, simply blocking and putting together this really simple quilt has become a challenge!

here are the blocks i started with, written in wash-off fabric pen. you can see to the right some of the other fabrics i'll be using for the other blocks:

you can tell where i've started to machine-embroider some of the words... good thing i like my quilts a little wrinkly-looking, like they were washed and dried on the clothesline! there are several left to embroider, and i'm realizing that if i want them all to be legible, i'm going to have to do a combination of machine and hand-embroidering.

the most recent thing i've done is start adding some of the blocks, figuring out what fabrics i want to use and if i have enough of it available (i'm making it all from fabrics of my mom's, to give K a memory and connection to her nana). i ended up having to go back over and re-embroider some of the ends of some of the letters to be sure they don't unravel.

so this is the state it sits in right now, with only a little over 6 weeks to go until this baby is here! i'm also feeling a bit of pressure, because i found out about this baby quilt competition from make-baby-stuff.com, and think it would be awesome to enter. but since the deadline is november 1st, i don't see that likely to happen.

i am trying to keep it as simple as possible to get it done quickly... even though i had this fabulous quilt binding tutorial from the lovely heather bailey, it was still worrying me and i'm not sure how well i can handle that part. instead, i'm going to use an even easier turn-it-inside-out and stitch-the-edge-flat method from amy butler's lotus brick path quilt, one of the free patterns on her website!

first show of the year

i always try not to make the craft shows i participate in into big productions that stress me out. they are, in and of themselves, a bit stressful just because, as an event, there is so much preparation for them... packing up, loading, unloading, unpacking, displaying, pricing, selling, loading up to bring home... and it seems to take quite a bit of work no matter how laid back and low-key you try to make your display.

well, not this weekend but next weekend, i'm going to be in a show that i've done before, but this time i'll be selling almost exclusively supplies. i'm trying to sell some of the bounty that i so unexpectedly inherited from my mom when she passed away in january. because she had so many, i'm only selling about a third of what i saved (what wasn't given to charities and craft ministries) and it's all things that i felt like could be packaged neatly as supplies, a project kit (where most of the pieces are there, you just have to put them together and maybe add some of your own embellishment), and of course, fabric. getting it all packaged (even simply) and priced in time for the show has been an incredibly big project! i'd say even at this point, i'm probably only roughly halfway finished.

the craft packs and project kits awaiting their labels:

scrap packs from cutting all the fat quarters:

and, of course, more fat quarters than have ever been cut at once ever:

in fact, i had never cut a fat quarter at all before, so it took me a little while of avoiding the project to finally get started and find out that it's really not that hard. very tedious to do this many at once, but not at all hard. what is still hard is not wanting to keep all of my mom's fabrics, even though as i cut up this whole tub of them, i remember that i have two more in the garage that i do get to keep. it's hard to go through because it all smells like her. i'll definitely be happy to be done measuring, cutting, rolling up, and tying!

i am excited about the show, though. this will be the second time i've been in it, the first being back when it's lowly name was the crafter's flea market. now it's called the designer's downtown market, and it's a really good show, relatively inexpensive with an almost guaranteed turnout. if you visit the link, you can see me on the vendor list to the right with a link to my etsy shop! call me a novice, but that's still really exciting to me! i'm also excited because they posted their show schedule for the rest of the year, and i think i may try to do the september one with my product instead of supplies. what's one more craft show at 7 months pregnant right? i'll probably skip the november 29th one, since, although on my birthday, it's also the day before my due date. probably not the best idea!

so if you're local to the raleigh/triangle area, be sure to stop by! it's a really great show with lots of variety. i promise you'll see something new there. and hey, if you're in need of any fat quarters, i'll be there!

sick days

i rarely get really sick, but yesterday and today have been a big mess of sleeping more than should be humanly possible, crackers and juice, and taking a shower just to put my jammies back on and go back to bed. i have limited amounts of time that my dizzy head and aching body will let me stay vertical, so i'm using my computer time quickly while i wait for my wonderful husband to bring more dayquil!

i've written about my mom's beautiful quilting a little bit before, but i wanted to share some pictures of the first lovely and treasured thing i've inherited from her. i think this may be one of the first, if not the first, quilt she ever made. i remember it always being around the house since my childhood in the early 80's, along with a big latch hook rug pillow that we used to snuggle on with the dog. it doesn't surprise me that something my mom picked out seems to have melted right into our decor perfectly.

Pontouf doesn't seem to understand yet that she will not be allowed on this quilt.

matt just walked through the door with soup and more drugs, so i am off to the couch to watch my favorite  go-to  sick day movie and spend some quality time with my couch.

ps- don't forget to go enter to win some free goodies... all you have to do is say hello, just for fun!

getting projects done!

i've been really careful to try not to overuse the cliched phrases that most people use after a loved one passes away such as "mom would have wanted it" or "if there's one thing i've learned from all this." but truthfully, it would be a lie to pretend like i didn't learn quite a bit from the whole situation. i touched on it a little bit when i wrote about the amazing quilt mom had to leave unfinished, but i really have thought quite a bit about finishing projects. it's a tricky thing to leave something unfinished because, with my mom for example, although the things she started can be completed now that she's gone, it's impossible to know how she would have made them or to make them in the same way she would have. in some situations, it's now impossible to know even why she was making certain items or who they were intended for. it's very typical of me to have several (and i mean several. half a dozen to a dozen at any given time) projects in various stages of completion around me all the time. i used to enjoy picking one up and working on it for a little while and then moving on to something else, or getting a brilliant idea for a project and realizing about halfway through the execution that it was not such a brilliant idea at all.

since christmas two years ago, i've wanted to make an advent garland of little mini stockings that could hold a little piece of candy or a toy or a verse to read to count down to christmas. i had seen lots of inspiring ideas of what i had in mind, and now that i keep somehow not getting it done, i've come to a shocking realization. they don't all have to be handmade...  i will most likely get the garland done and able to enjoy it much more quickly if i loosen my grip a little bit on my obsession and perfectionism.

shocking, i know.

so, in that vein, i started collecting a few non-handmade cute mini-stockings that i found super cheap on the after-christmas clearance at target and added them to two that actually are handmade, but not by me (i bought them at an estate sale a few months ago).

left to right: 1 is a gift card holder from target, 2 and 3 are red and cream handmade and hand-sequined felt found in a bag of random ornaments (all for $1) from an estate sale, 4 is a crocheted ornament from target, and 5 is a "mini stocking" i think meant to hold a small gift, also from target (yay target).

so, twenty more and i'll be good to go. i've yet to decide how or if i will add the days of the month to them or not. i really love the navy blue one with the felt snowflakes appliqued and stitched on here and there. spend a little while clicking through the incredibly cute ideas on flickr, and i promise you'll want to attempt one of some sort, even if you don't consider yourself particularly "crafty." hopefully i'll get mine finished and ready to use this coming christmas.

baby photo

ok, i know, it doesn't count as a real post, but i went through tons of pictures to make a photo slideshow for my mom's memorial service this past thursday, and i had to share this one. this is me and my mom (with my big brother in the background) in my great aunt and uncle's backyard pool in florida, circa 1983.

i love this picture, it makes me so happy.

needless to say, the loss of my mom, my crafting mentor and sounding board, has thrown my creative world for a total loop. it's hard to enjoy any of my usual take-my-mind-off-of-it activities like crafting or shopping, because they all just make me think of her even more. i know this will be a long process of getting back into some semblance of "normal." i'm having lots of carpe diem thoughts of how to really try my hardest at making something of ellebee studio, and at the same time i'm also thinking it might be a good idea to filter these ideas with a bit of grace and understanding towards myself because of the crazy ups and downs mourning a loved one can bring. the past week has been like one giant mood swing. it's so weird how one (albeit major) event in life brings the struggle between feeling a frantic need for productiveness and an apathetic "all there is is time" attitude.

i'm not sure how all this fits into the crafting i will inevitably do from here, but there it is... my thoughts for what they are. sometimes all you can do is put them out of your head and into existence and wait to see what they really become. i think a little sleep may help bring a bit of clarity too, and so that is where i'm headed...

my perfect mom

my mom nancy
february 28, 1955- january 5, 2008

"a wife of noble character who can find?
      she is worth far more than rubies.
she selects wool and flax
      and works with eager hands.
she sets about her work vigorously;
       her arms are strong for her tasks.
she makes coverings for her bed;
      she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
she makes linen garments and sells them,
       and supplies the merchants with sashes.
she is clothed with strength and dignity;
      she can laugh at the days to come.
she speaks with wisdom,
      and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
her children arise and call her blessed;
       her husband also, and he praises her:
'many women do noble things,
      but you surpass them all.'
charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
      but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

-proverbs 31

more crafting soon, i promise.

a new year

a mixture of thoughts for a difficult year:

"a long december, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last... the smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters but no pearls" -counting crows

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." -c.s. lewis, the problem of pain

"peace i leave with you; my peace i give you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -john 14:27

while you were sleeping

i can't really even begin to describe the bizarre turn my life seems to have taken since my mom's diagnosis just three long weeks ago. i'm walking a delicate balance between wanting to be strong for my family and dealing with the closest thing to true despair i've ever experienced... and then trying to pray myself out of it. i've prayed more in the past month than i probably have my entire life put together. it's so strange and surreal to keep reminding myself that i am not the first person to experience this, not the first child to be terrified of losing her parent. i spent five days at my parents' house before i flew home with both of them on her medical transport flight (a visible answer to prayer in itself) to our hometown of raleigh, nc. sorry for the giant medical team member in the foreground, i had about a 10 second window of time when the plane touched down to take this:

there she is on the flight, on a breathing machine that was followed by a full ventilator a day or two after reaching the hospital, leaving her very sedated and already in pain from starting chemo. for all the "miracles of modern medicine" we supposedly have, all the tubes and ivs and catheters still seem more like medieval torture when it comes down to it.

i'm going to share the following picture that i took while i was staying at my mom and dad's . this would really bother my mom, that i would show her "messy house" to the world, but i think any crafter (and any mom, really) can relate.

the blue squares are a quilt pattern laid out, half pieced and nowhere near finished. my christmas present. too gorgeous for words. heartbreaking, because i don't know how to quilt. the dining room table (that you can't really even see) is covered in more quilting and sewing projects, half finished scrapbooks of her grandchild, and another card table set up by the couch for rubber stamping cards and little notebooks for gifts. a crafter's dream that turns into a nightmare at the possibility of being forced to leave them permanently unfinished.

we spent a bittersweet christmas day in a hospital waiting room while my momma, the heart and soul of every family holiday we had growing up, "slept" in deep sedation. during her few wakeful moments over the past few days, i stare into her eyes, weepy and blurry from over-hydration, and worry for the way her brow furrows in pain and she twitches her toes in frustration at not being able to communicate with us. all i can do is hold her hand and brush back her hair to let her know i'm there, and hope that even my gentlest of touches meant for comfort and reassurance are not causing her more pain. this is the worst situation i can possibly think of for my perfect mother, and the waiting for a verdict is awful.

we've set up a website for her for those interested in following her condition. it's been such a blessing to see so many old and new friends reaching out to her and my dad through this potentially devastating thing, this cancer.

for now, life has become about just breathing. being thankful for the breaths i take for granted that my mom's cancer-blackened lungs cannot, and making sure that every breath of mine carries a prayer for her. please excuse me if the posts here become infrequent for awhile... i'll still be checking in when i can and always appreciate any comments that are left (thank you, lea!).

i hope all of you were able to enjoy the peace and love of the season... merry christmas!

christmas crafts for mom

i'm leaving first thing tomorrow for a couple of days to visit my mom. i believe she'll be starting chemo in the next few days, if not right away. i've been trying to whip up some fun christmas-y things for her, either to decorate her hospital room or just for general cheering-up purposes. i figured you absolutely couldn't go wrong with some soft trees.  i made mine with green craft felt i had on hand, made them into little four inch tall ornaments with a ribbon loop, and stuffed them with cotton balls. i also rediscovered that i really enjoy decorative embroidery (within reason! nothing too extensive). the "stem" on the middle one is actually the loop of matt's stocking, hanging on the mantel.

i also made a garland of yo-yos and vintage christmas trim, bias tape to be exact, but pictures of that will have to come later. i had no idea what an aggravation it would be to try to get a decent picture of a garland.

off for now to get some sleep and catch an early (for me) flight...

a dark day

here i am again explaining a lapse in posting, but this time it's not just from the usual busy-ness of daily life. for over a week now my mom, formerly in perfectly great health, has been in the hospital with a lung infection. for days we waited as the doctors tried to narrow it down... a bacterial infection, not a viral. not pneumonia. not meningitis. they did cat scans, bronchoscopies, and still we waited. then, a diagnostic surgery which, as of yesterday, finally revealed a diagnosis... stage four squamous cell cancer of the lungs. my dad called me yesterday at work and just happened to catch me on lunch break when i could actually answer the phone to tell me the news. i don't know how to process such a bleak and heartbreaking concept such as this. my momma, my friend, my mentor, my hero. to think that she might not survive, that she might not be okay in the most simple of terms, is incomprehensible.

i know i am not the first to experience this situation. i never thought i'd be the one doing endless google searches of every cancer-related medical term i've heard, wondering if there is a lung cancer version of the pink ribbon i can wear to show my support... to show that i too have been touched by this rampant disease that is claiming so many. matt has lost two aunts in the past year and a half to different types of cancer, and had one uncle with a terminal diagnosis. i leave sunday to go be with her, as hopefully by then she will be off the respirator and able to start chemotherapy.

so for now, there are only prayers and questions. questions of how a person can be perfectly healthy one week and the next, receive such a traumatizing diagnosis.  what are we eating or breathing or doing that can be causing cancer to become so common? is prevention even possible anymore? and prayers, of course, that there can be a miracle. that this won't mean the end. that i will learn to trust in God's plan, and that he is good and his plan is good no matter how difficult it is to understand. that i will lean on him and not my own understanding, which is so weak. and, at the risk of sounding so cliched, that we all will find peace.

if you are one who prays, please pray for my mom.